Even More Genuine Fake Celebrity News

   In a desperate attempt to suck the last marrow out of the reality television carcass,Hollywood has teamed up with the Weather Channel to create a new series. The Weather Channel’s negotiations had broke off with the Discovery Channel at the latest news. Plans for WHEN GOOD WEATHER GOES BAD show have been put on-hold, pending the latest developments. The logistics still need to be worked out, but Hollywood has solved the risk of missing any possible weather storm by placing cameras every fifteen feet across the United States. They hope to recoup their costs by selling non-storm footage to America’s Funniest Videos, so they are encouraging all of America to get hit in the groin on-camera when the weather is nice.

   Jennifer “J-Lo” Lopez slides deeper into obscurity by releasing her all-Spanish album in the Bronx this week. The former Puff Mommy stood in front of 5 people for her press conference to announce her album. It turns out that 3 people who wandered into the room were actually tourists looking for a restroom. The already uneventful conference did take a darker turn when an MTV official told her that since she’s not cool anymore that they would have to revoke her knickname. She and her press agent were then forced to come up with another moniker. Names under consideration were J-No, Puff Mommy Who, The Booty That Couldn’t and Whats-Her-Face-From-Gigli.

   Angelina Jolie, while traveling in the State of Iowa, started adoption proceedings for what turned out to be the Johnson family, local residents of Farley, IA. The stunned family of 5 were shocked when Jolie showed up at their door with local law enforcement asking that they pack up their things to go with Ms. Jolie. Mabel Johnson, mother of three, expressed confusion at the event and wondered if they’d be able to swing by the local Kroger’s supermarket to pick up some things before heading to their new Jolie family home in California. In a tender yet still somewhat staged act of maternal instincts, Ms. Jolie scooped up Mr. Navin Johnson in her arms and covered him with a very large swaddling cloth.  Mrs. Johnson’s initial hesitation melting into eagerness, coming to the realization that she’d also be living with Brad Pitt. The Johnson children were unavailable for comment.

    History was made when the American Medical Association awarded its first awards to the television industry for its contributions to medicine. Both the Ghost Whisperer and Stargate SG1 were discovered to have remarkable curing powers when it comes to insomnia. Testing over 5,000,000 television viewers who suffer from the inability to fall or stay asleep, both shows proved to more effective than heavy sedatives, Ambien, being whacked with large wooden mallets,televised golf as well as those heavily sedated while watching televised golf. It’s effectiveness is now even being considered as an alternative to anesthetic for surgery. Unfortunately, both shows have proven themselves so effective at putting people to sleep that some volunteering for these test have still not woken up since testing began two years ago. Medical researchers hope to scale down the effects of the shows to make them more useful. Recent testing has already begun for surgeries lasting more than 12 hours. Patients before surgery were simply shown pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt fell unconscious long after their extensive surgery was over.
 

More Genuine Fake Celebrity News!

 Because the first installment seemed to be fairly popular, I thought I’d add another round. Thank you for everyone who gave me feedback. I appreciate the comments and the e-mails…

         In Los Angeles, Judges are contemplating Paris Hilton legal fate as a result of being arrested Feb. 28th for misdemeanor driving under suspension. Because she was already on probation, driving under suspension means potential jail time. This monumental ruling could make it look like someone famous is actually held accountable. While most honest, hardworking Americans face stiff fines, incarceration, and even the death penalty from everything from toking on a doobie to traffic violations and overdue library books; society has seen fit to give celebs the choice between a handslap or community service composed exclusively of signing autographs.

  What also makes Paris Hilton’s potential carceration much more serious is that the local prison will have to create a special jail cell at taxpayer’s expense. Because of her skeletal frame, Wardens say she’d be able to walk between the bars in a regular cell. While the State Of California would save money because of Paris’ non-existent diet, other financial concerns include the press may intentially break laws in hopes of being incarcerated next to her, as to not miss any of her antics. Television producers are also sweating out the next few weeks because the show THE SIMPLE LIFE, starring Ms. Hilton could be disrupted by her being in the hoosegow. However, they may still be able to keep the show alive as reports of Nicole Ritchie may face jail time because of her legal issues, too. The same television producers are seeing if they can be placed in the same lock-up so they can continue the series, only calling it THE HARD LIFE instead. They also take some reassurance in that thought because of all the money they’d save with their warddrobe budget. Grey jumpsuits make things really simple.

   When recent news headlines read that Hicks would be facing 7 years jail time, most Americans felt a sense of disappointment after finding out it was some guy name Chris who’s at Guantanamo Bay instead of Taylor who was last year’s American Idol winner. Recent polls show mixed results as to which should be punished. Torn between aligning with Al-Quieda and singing those annoying car commercials; Americans slightly favor jailing Taylor Hicks  instead.

13 things that make a person more interesting

It’s important to have: 

13) curiosity – I like people who don’t take everything at face value.

12) vulnerability - Acting as if one is perfect is not only annoying, it increases the likelihood of crucifixion (whether or not the perfection is real or not)

11) an appreciation for those around you – Being capable of saying please, thank you, and you’re welcome means more than most realize. Treating everyone as if they are beneath you is annoying, even if you are royalty.

10) honesty – You can’t build trust without it. However, if your friend Bubba says he was abducted by aliens; cut him some slack, o.k.?

9) flexibility – No matter how well you plan, sometimes you still have to go to PLAN B…..or C…..maybe D and occassionally PLAN E.

8 ) hope – Everything may happen for a reason, but that doesn’t mean we’ll always know why. Face it, none of us may ever understand why Donald Trump does that comb-over thing.

7) The Car’s first album, The Cars (self-titled). It seriously rocks out.

6) a plan – Whether you are going to rule the world or just be a slacker…..try to be the BEST slacker you can be.

5) a hobby/interest/passion – It’s part of having an internal life that differentiates us from houseplants.

4) a willingness to always learn – Life is a journey, not a destination….just make sure you sit next to cool people on the bus.

3) empathy – Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is a sign of higher brain function

2) a sense of humor – I wouldn’t want my reality to leave home without it. One of the best coping skills….ever.

1) your own identity – Trying to be like others gets really hard when you’re by yourself. If you aren’t going to be you; who is?

***edit***
This post won Post Of The Day! Thank you!

13 people I’d invite to dinner (past or present)

13) Billy Joel, musician/songwriter

12) Steve Martin, comedian/author/actor

11) Stephen King, author

10) Martin Gore, musician/songwriter

9) Christopher Walken, actor

8 ) Kevin Spacey, actor

7) Kathy Najimy, actress

6) Lou Gramm, musician

5) Kate Beckinsale, actress

4) Galileo, scientist, heretic

3) Dalai Lama, spiritual leader

2) Adriana Lima, supermodel

1) Ludwig Van Beethoven, musician

The FDA approves a new drug: Genuflectin

Genuflectin, with the generic name Worshippen, has recently been approved to put on the market. While still in its early stages, the testing so far has shown to be a very powerful and effective drug when taken in the proper dose. Mishandling, however, has serious side effects.

It can provide feelings of comfort, especially in times of stress. Its calming effects can also provide a stable outlook on life. It has the ability to provide some clarity of thought while making decisions. Unfortunately, the dose can vary quite a bit among people. Some may get nauseous with even a little bit and may only take it twice a year. Others may find they have a stronger tolerance and may feel they need more of it. It can be an addictive substance under the right conditions. Side effect include dry mouth, proselytizing, hallucinations, self-righteousness, stockpiling weapons, paranoia, martyrdom, shouting in peoples’ faces, knocking on doors, passing out pamphlets, singing Kumbaya, bad comb-overs, tainting Kool-Aid, preaching on street corners and standoffs with the ATF.

If you have any of these side effects, please discuss them with your priest, pastor, minister, rabbi, priestess, Imam, wise woman, or shaman as soon as possible. Most side effects, if treated early, can be minimized to allow maximum life functioning. Major signs of overdose includes the desire to meddle in other peoples lives and expecting incredibly high, difficult spiritual standards for other people before self-application.

People who should closely monitor their Genuflectin intake include people with no life, those recovering some substance abuse, people willing to hand control of their lives to complete strangers, and those with liver problems.

This is readily available at your closest house of worship. However, as a safety precaution, experts recommend not ordering your prescription through televised worship services. Find a local, trusted provider with all your spiritual needs.

Broccoli in 2008!

“Smarter Than Bush, Greener than Gore”

“A tastier, third party alternative”

This stalk of broccoli has recently considered running for President and had asked me to be its campaign manager. I am still considering it, but am not sure how I feel about a legume running our country. Then I came to the realization that it can’t be any worse than a shrub.

My only concern is that I am not sure what spin to put on the story when it comes out about those steamy broccoli photos. He’s been seen out in public with with hot butter, melted cheese, bamboo shoots, and not to mention alfredo sauce. Flaunting his crunchiness in public is going to be tough sell to the average voters, especially those who haven’t cleaned their plates.

Ideas I have for new television shows!

television show idea #1
A talkshow featuring children interviewing adults that influence their world. Hosted by a 3 year old, the show will be called WHY? WHY? WHY?
television show idea #2
Instead of reporting issues of Congressional idealogical stalemates, this show feature nothing but two elementary school-age children fighting. The show will be called YES,YOU ARE/NO, I’M NOT.
television show idea #3
Featuring outtakes as well as actual press conferences, this show will feature Congressional video clips. Hosted by George W. Bush, it will be called AMERICA’S FUNNIEST GOVERNMENT VIDEOs. There will be an on-going contest where constituents are challenged to send in film footage of any meaningful legislative decisions. The winner gets a functioning democracy.

television show idea #4
A cooking show featuring supermodels and celebutantes. They will give their favorite recipes like Amphetamine Casserole, A Handful of Bean Sprouts, and M&Ms in Red Bull sauce. It will also feature the latest 30-DAY REHAB DIET and the top 10 trendiest cities to do Community Service.

television show idea #5
A children’s show, spinning-off the popular Sesame Street theme, hosted by Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie. Brought to you by the letters D, U & I.

television show idea #6
CELEBRITY SURVIVAL will show famous people going head-to-head with each other to see who has the strongest will. The first show will feature Rush Limbaugh locked inside a pharmacy after hours. He will be sharing his adventure with his press agent, his undocumented workers, a shelf-ful of Oxycodone and his massive ego.

Things I learned about Staunton, VA

1) It’s conveniently located right next to Route 81

2) It’s pronounced STAN-ton.

3) Gypsy Hill park, located in historic Staunton, was once a place where actual gypsies lived. It is now a massive park with 2 playgrounds, duck pond, walking path, baseball fields, and a train.

4) the band NTENSE which played at the hotel lounge featured 80’s music as well as at least one guitarist with a mullet.

5) we could listen to the band play while we swam in the indoor pool of the hotel.

6) They over-chlorinated the pool that my vision was cloudy for 1 day.

7) Staunton, VA is only about a 45 minute drive from Charlottesville, VA – which is home to Thomas Jefferson’s former abode – Monticello.

8 ) Monticello translates into “not very much parking”

A long weekend in Virginia…..

  The Blather-Rinse-Repeat family will be piling into the BRR-minivan and going to VA for the weekend. I may not be around any computers so be sure to send me lots of e-mail to tell me how much you miss me.

  I just hope Bush doesn’t do anything so monumentally stupid that I will feel compelled to blog about it immediately but not be near a computer.

 -sj

Fate balanced on an e-mail

  I have recently received a lot of e-mails that I am ultimately supposed to forward to as many people as possible or bad things will happen in my life.

  First, it isn’t exactly a good will gesture when you send something like that to someone you know. What if, for whatever reason, they are unable to forward that e-mail? What if it accidently gets deleted? They now allegedly get negative things happening to them. Nice friend you are.

 Second, why pin any wish on divine beings that, I would assume, dispense good luck on something as unreliable as e-mail? We already know e-mails can bring spam, viruses, trojan horses, worms, webbugs, phishing, pharming and not to mention scam artists who are trying to trick people into giving out their sensitive personal financial information. I would hope that supreme beings aren’t trying to be trendy here. Give me the old fashioned Burning Bush (the Old Testament reference – not some arsonistic treatment for the President). Part the Red Sea…anything obvious…and not having to do with computers, please. A winning lottery ticket would not only be nice, but rather convincing as to one’s supernatural powers. Hint Hint. =)

   Finally, I don’t want to be guilted into anything or manipulated….e-mail or not. I don’t care if it’s pictures of puppies, babies, soldiers, firemen, angels, teddy bears, or whatever. A touching poem isn’t going to warm me up either. Don’t send me warning about so-and-so didn’t forward the e-mail which resulted in them having their underwear pulled up to their shoulder blades by angry leprechauns.  I also know that Bill Gates isn’t giving away his millions nor does Neiman-Marcus have any oatmeal cookie recipe for $250 dollars.

  Take me off those mailing lists.

thank you.

-sj