Ideas I have for new television shows!

television show idea #1
A talkshow featuring children interviewing adults that influence their world. Hosted by a 3 year old, the show will be called WHY? WHY? WHY?
television show idea #2
Instead of reporting issues of Congressional idealogical stalemates, this show feature nothing but two elementary school-age children fighting. The show will be called YES,YOU ARE/NO, I’M NOT.
television show idea #3
Featuring outtakes as well as actual press conferences, this show will feature Congressional video clips. Hosted by George W. Bush, it will be called AMERICA’S FUNNIEST GOVERNMENT VIDEOs. There will be an on-going contest where constituents are challenged to send in film footage of any meaningful legislative decisions. The winner gets a functioning democracy.

television show idea #4
A cooking show featuring supermodels and celebutantes. They will give their favorite recipes like Amphetamine Casserole, A Handful of Bean Sprouts, and M&Ms in Red Bull sauce. It will also feature the latest 30-DAY REHAB DIET and the top 10 trendiest cities to do Community Service.

television show idea #5
A children’s show, spinning-off the popular Sesame Street theme, hosted by Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton & Nicole Ritchie. Brought to you by the letters D, U & I.

television show idea #6
CELEBRITY SURVIVAL will show famous people going head-to-head with each other to see who has the strongest will. The first show will feature Rush Limbaugh locked inside a pharmacy after hours. He will be sharing his adventure with his press agent, his undocumented workers, a shelf-ful of Oxycodone and his massive ego.

Bullhorn Fridays: the latest trend at the workplace

This would have so much potential. =)

So, is this what a POLITICAL hangover looks like?

Do you get this from having too much REGIME the night before?

13 things I really don’t like

1) People with no sense of humor -  How could we be put on this planet and expected to take Paris Hilton or Donald Trump’s hair seriously?

2) Laugh Tracks – Shouldn’t the fact that you need to show people when to laugh during a show you’ve written tell you about its quality of writing?

3) High-pressure salespeople – psychological manipulation of people to purchase something from you is wrong. Let’s just leave this to the campaign professionals, shall we?

4) Accordians – Need proof that this infernal instrument is truly evil? Polka music!

5) People who confuse opinion for fact.

6) The phrase “results not typical” – if results are not typical, why even bother to tell me? Your product or service either works or doesn’t work. Pick one.

7) Supermodels who get defensive about their careers – Just because the genetic lottery allows you to make ungodly amounts of cash by having ability to walk around in a bathing suits in exotic locations; please don’t confuse that with contributing to society. It doesn’t matter if you get a talkshow or your own line of clothing. 20 years from now,you’ll be hocking skin care products on a 3 a.m. info-mercials making a career based exclusively on what you used to look like. Big whooptie do.

8 ) Customer Service Signs – If someone is going to take the time to hang them, you’d think that they’d make arrangements for it to occur underneath it once it’s installed.

9) Too much perfume or cologne – I am all for people having scents other than B.O., but please apply some common sense here. You want that special person to remember your scent, not because your aroma caused them to be admitted into a hospital for damaged lungs.

10) Telemarketers – Who came up with the idea of scripted phone harassment as a career?

11) Reality television – My initial indifference to reality television is solidifying into fear at the thought that people are little more than attention-seeking idiots.

12) Lack of accountability – do legal disclaimers need to be printed on every conceivable item? Wouldn’t it better to just let Natural Selection take its course and genetically filter out stupid people. That would clear up all sorts of problems like daytime television guests, straight-ticket voters, workloads of lawyers with 800 numbers, and people who treat lawsuits like a source of income.

13) Fake creamers – Flavoring your coffee with something created in a chem lab is a crime  against nature.

Since when has Wal*Mart been formal?

That would explain all the limosines I see out from all the time.

There’s something wrong with my new HD television…

When George W. Bush and Nancy Pelosi comes on the screen, neither appears to be brighter or sharper.

Muppets are being slaughtered for their pelts!

Due to the incredibly cold weather throughout the United States, people are taking drastic steps to stay warm in these record low temperatures. This includes the latest trends of slaughtering the lovable, educational, as well as furry characters for their pelts. There doesn’t seem to be a demand for Kermit The Frog or Prarie Dawn, neither of which sport fur. However, monsters like Cookie Monster, Fozzie Bear, and Oscar the Grouch could net the seller several thousands of dollars.

The Jim Henson Corporation, who also manages other characters like Bear from Bear In The Big Blue House, are also concerned for the well-being of their other fuzzy employees. They nervously monitor E-bay and other on-line auctions to see if these gentle creatures end up sold to customers trying to keep the cold at bay.

Here is a pelt believed to be Harry, the muppet who used to wear construction helmets.

Toddlers, armed with little to no medical knowledge, are taking other parts of slaughtered Muppets and ingesting them in hopes of acquiring knowledge of letters and numbers WITHOUT having to learn them.

Parents and educators everywhere are worried. They have aligned themselves with P.E.T.A. to form a splinter group to break into Public Broadcasting Stations to release Muppets from their cages. It has also been recently discovered that Muppets have been used in the cosmetic industry to test the toxicity of make-up and other beauty products. Representatives for Maybelline refused to comment.

I saw Mrs. Doubtfire hang with Prince Charles

I think it’s cool that Mrs. Doubtfire is chillin’ with Prince Charles. Maybe it means there’s a sequel coming.

Cool.

I wonder if the Prince knows it’s really Robin Williams under all that make-up.

Genuine Fake Celebrity News!

         Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Nicole Ritchie have decided to start a new restaurant chain. These young, limo-riding celebu-fluff have heard about this “eating” thing and want to try their skeletal hand at something new. Although none of them have actually ever been sighted consuming food, they think their new spin on the dining process is unique.

          The main feature of their establishment is the ambiance. The mood will be set by playing Paris Hilton’s shrill voice to pre-recorded dance beats. Mixed in with her music will be songs that Lindsay Lohan has lip-synced to. The centerpiece of their establishments will be an all-you-can-refuse-to-eat bar featuring a bunch of empty, heated stainless steel tubs along with ceramic bowls full of amphetamines. The only beverage served on the menu will be champagne. The waiters and waitresses on hand will not be able to actually bring you anything, but do expect to be verbally abused by the patrons. After all, they want each and every customer to feel incredibly self-important.

         Already this malnourished trio is facing some legal challenges by other famous people trying to get into the food business. Several unnamed leggy, underfed supermodels have taken them to court over the rights over who should own the buffet idea. The supermodels version, however, in addition to amphetamines includes rice cakes, M&Ms, and bean sprouts. It will be interesting to see how it all turns out.

         In other news, Britney Spears continues to embarrass herself in the public eye.  Public drunkeness, carrying on, clubbing, voting Republican, believing what Nancy Pelosi says,considering marriage to K-Fed, actually marrying K-Fed, driving around with her unsecured children on her lap, and now there are reports of her getting out of limos with her pets. Starting with paparazzi getting pictures of her llama, emu, and goat….which ended up on the Internet almost immediately.

        Television studio execs are currently underfire for some decisions made in the past. They have recently gone on-camera to apologize for listing Julia Louise Dreyfus as a comedian. That would require people to laugh at anything she does…other than believing she has a career outside of Seinfeld.  Also, while research had been conducted prior to its filming, it turns out that EVERYONE does not love Raymond. In fact, only 5 people love Raymond. Legal action is being considered by a whole range of groups. The trial could start as early as next month. People testifying against Ms. Dreyfus and Mr. Romano are Steve Martin and Robin Williams, along with many other people who are not only humorous but have been able to generate laughter without laugh tracks. Similar charges had been successfully brought against Richard Lewis and Albert Brooks, both of whom are serving life sentences for being whiny and generally annoying.

   Stay tuned for more Genuine Fake Celebrity News!

New scented candles from Blather-Rinse-Repeat

  After having a revelation about scented candles, I decided to come up with a new line of scented candles. Tired of the usual mix of floral or other natural scents, I think traditional aromatic boundaries need to be broken.  Here are some of my proposed scents:

Tapping into the recent Google Search term popularity, give the masses the ability to have their homes and workplaces smell like Buck Rogers.

Here is a scented candle for those seeking constant reminding of the consequences for imperfection. If guilt, shame, and fear could all be rolled into one scent; it would be our new HELL-scent candle.

Can’t get enough politics? Enjoy the bloodpumping aroma of fear-mongering and deceit in convenient candle form. Order BUSH ADMINISTRATION scent today!

Miss those college days where you put off laundry for weeks at a time? Try DIRTY LAUNDRY scent and bring it all back again. It does smell like BUSH ADMINISTRATION, but not as strong.

Why hasn’t anyone come up with a candle to smell like RICE KRISPIE TREATS?!?! Why?