Bad Parent Magazine, a resource for couples whose feel responsibility for children ends at conception, has voted Chuck E. Cheese the best place to watch their offspring.

      “Whenever there’s a birthday party there, I know that they got plenty a people there to watch my kid while I am at home relaxin’,”  states Brian Johnson – father of 7.  He went onto explain that he was there for what he thinks was a birthday party for one of his children’s classmates. He’s not sure he has the right day, but that didn’t seem to matter. Mr. Johnson sometimes uses Chuck E. Cheese as a free day care.

    “It’s perfect for me, ‘cus you don’t gotta register no one. They don’t ask for emergency contact numbers. You don’t have to worry if your kid is sick or not. They are open almost all the time and you can drop them off whenever,” Mr. Johnson explains.

   Reggie Wallace, shift manager at Chuck E. Cheese, expresses concern with the practice but appreciates the business.

    “I am lucky that most of my employees have enough interest to show up. The ones that do decide to show up for their shifts will get that all-important babysitting experience,” Mr. Wallace continued. “I don’t know if I would want my kids to be raised by my employees, but I am glad we can provide this important service for the public. We take really good care of the kids. Most of them buy tokens by the bucket and we just keep the bottomless soda coming.”

    The dark side to this impromptu day care situation is that the police continue to get called to the premises. Reports of harrassment of other customers, physical threats and some elementary school-level gang activity have made this a potentially risky spot for those children who treat the establishment as it was originally intended.

   The survey taken by Bad Parent Magazine found that Chuck E. Cheese was the best place to drop children off at. This was followed by – in order of ranking - family reunions, bowling alleys, laser tag arenas/roller skating rinks, zoos, amusement parks, bus stations, crack dens and supermarkets.  98% of all bad parents survey felt that it was “somebody else’s fault” when it comes to their own childrens’ atrocious behavior. When given a choice between holding their child accountable or taking someone else to court when their children got into trouble, 99% chose litigation.

        It is also interesting to point out that 75% of these parents felt that their children’s meals should consist of the 4 main food groups: sugar, fat, fillers & preservatives. The remaining 25% of the parents were vaguely aware there were other little people in the house and had noticed some food was missing. All of bad parents surveyed felt that toys from China were an excellent source of lead and very educational when it comes to teaching their children about the Periodic table.

     A popular alternative day care choice among bad parents also included R-rated films that feature adult content, graphic violence and sexually suggestive language. These parents also found television programming on The WB and Fox network that featured elementary school age children with libidos was “effin’ hilarious.” 89% of the parents surveyed also felt it was not the school’s job to teach their children the “birds and bees.”  100% believed that it wasn’t their job and think that they’ll figure out one way or another.

    Not that I watch that Desperate Housewives show, but I saw the trailer of the latest celeb to join the cast. It was Dana Delaney.

     For those of you who remember, Ms. Delaney was in shows like China Beach (never saw it), some Steve Martin film with Goldie Hawn (regretted seeing it) and East Of Eden (the serious Anne Rice book that was made into a comedy because the director didn’t think the public could handle the real storyline) which I refused to see.

     She does have some visual appeal, although her acting skills aren’t necessarily top shelf. I went through a Dana Delaney phase many years ago. I was after my Natassja Kinski and Molly Ringwald phase, but before my Claudia Schiffer phase. Natassja and Molly fell off the face of the Earth. Claudia traded in her normal skin tone for a lifeless looking white skin. She has either turned into a friendly ghost (see Casper) or is a member of the walking undead.

  If anyone would like to join in on the Dana Delaney moment, please feel free to Google yourself some pics. Post comments with links if you find good ones.

    My daughter celebrated her 4 years on the planet. During all the festivities, I made note of several little events I felt compelled to comment on here.

    I think one of the most annoying things I have experienced, even before becoming a parent, is watching other parents leave their children to fend for themselves at public functions. As soon as they arrive, the parent and child go their separate ways. I am not sure if this is a misinterpretation of “it takes a village” or what. Having been a camp counselor, I instantly feel I have to keep a watchful eye on the child. I find it hardly coincidental that the parent capable of this is oftentimes paired with what we in the childcare field referred to as “demon spawn.”  While most children have a natural appeal, these beings evoke no calming emotion. Luckily, the party only lasted 2 hours. I did quietly smile to myself watching these kids putting away soda in college beer bong proportions.  It’s almost like karma in disaccharide form.

     Other than that, I reaffirm my hatred of Bratz toys. The good news is that the toy gods were smiling upon us because there was only one this time. I find it really hard to celebrate inner-city attitude venerated as if it were culture. Bling is merely the substitution for the phrase “fascinated by shiny objects.” Even the frickin’ name emphasizes illiteracy…..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_debates_over_the_Harry_Potter_series

    Hey! I have recently discovered that one of my older posts about Harry Potter is referenced on Wikipedia. Check out reference #61 at the bottom!! Woot Woot!

    I am reminded of the scene from the movie, The Jerk, when Navin Johnson (Steve Martin) got excited when he found his name in the phone book…….O.k., maybe I am not THAT excited about the mention in Wikipedia.

   Ever hear those radio commercials that tell you that you can “rake in the money” by following some program they send you? Or maybe it’s visiting a website? Or calling an 800 number? You “sit back and count the money your computer” brings in. My personal favorite commercial is the one that says you get a FREE LAPTOP but then goes onto describe where buying things that you “need anyway” from that company is how you get your FREE laptop.  Hearing all of this simply reminds me that there are no lifeguards for this gene pool.

Speaking of radio ads…Did you hear the one where Donald Trump wants to send me a free CD to help me make more money? He wants ME to make more money! (not you!).  Anyway, I find it rather difficult to be inspired by such a powerful man who can’t seem to manage anything except a bad comb-over hairdo.  I am also not sure I understand the Ivana Trump thing either. Marla Maples, perhaps, but not Ivana. Although I have read an article where Marla was interviewed. Let’s just say that if she were to visit Oz, she should probably be the one wearing the scarecrow outfit. I just can’t believe she hasn’t managed to land some kind of advising role in the White House.

What’s the big deal with getting pictures of Britney Spear’s underwear as she’s getting in and out of vehicles? Isn’t the fascination with underwear the fodder of 5 year olds?  Should we point and giggle? Is it naptime yet?

Oh, the other day I caught the tail end of a show with Deborah Norville. It was some entertainment show….which is media talk for fluff media. Ms. Norville seemed to have a promising career a few years ago. Isn’t she the one who bumped Jane Pauley from her morning anchor position on a big show? Now, she’s announcing “news” segments that feature nothing except Carmen Electra stripping down to her bathing suit on a beach in Santa Monica. How might that be journalism? I suppose someone has to get to the bottom of that psychic pets who predict death in nursing home phenomenon.

   While watching this commercial that encourages (presumably) women to have their doctors inject a toxin to paralyze facial muscles; my wife pointed out that it seems rather contradictory to have the catch phrase be “express yourself.”

    Isn’t the point of Botox to prevent your body from “expressing itself?”

  Send everyone in Congress home and connect each household with a voting device like they have on America’s Funniest Home Videos.  Cutting out the special interests and taking the everyday person’s opinion/vote more serious should do the trick.

  To keep things interesting, they could throw in some exciting polls – just to see how America votes. Questions like:

Should Lindsay Lohan get the death penalty?

Do these pants make Sen. Nancy Pelosi’s butt look big?

       Instead of having qualifying rounds to see who gets what position in the line-up, count off by twos and have half the drivers go the opposite direction. Although most of the excitement would happen in the first lap with all the explosions, anyone who survives would then need to dodge the wrecked vehicles to finish the race.

      It’s be the 21st century of jousting, but at speed approaching 200 m.p.h.

Linguinic – lin-GWEE-nic – adj. – having characteristics of linguini.

Governminty Fresh – guv-err-MINT-ee Fresh – adj. – something that leaves a bad taste in your mouth that tastes like one of those nasty pastel colored chalky mints.

Hiltonistic – hill-tah-NIST-ic – adj. – the state of being completely unaware of the world around you.

Lohaniacal – low-hann-EYE-ic-all – adj. – Believing that one can ingest alcohol and cocaine without having any effect on your body, career or freedom.

Ritchiegostisic – riht-CHEE-go-tiss-tickle – adj. -  Narcissism meets money and fame by adoption.

Un-Rinna-listic – un-RINNAH-liss-tick – adj. – lips having the appearance of mutant earthworms on steroids. See Lisa Rinna.

   What is the appeal of Harry Potter spoilers?!?! Isn’t this like the obnoxious person who shouts out what’s going to happen next in a movie theatre?

    I don’t want to be told. I don’t want to see a summary of what happens. At this point, I don’t think I even want to speculate. I am old school. I love books. I love reading. I dig the information age, e-mail, blogging, et al. However, I like the reading experience. Lying/Laying in bed (I never got this verb down. I don’t know if I am reclining or distorting the truth) while reading is great, especially while it’s cold and raining outside.

    I do have the new book, but am waiting until it’s my turn to read it. I have no idea how it turns out, but would like to discover that on my own.