Hold a press conference. Tell the world from this point forward that America is sick and tired of dealing with terrorists, and we will take steps to end it whether they like it or not. The plan is simple. Announce to the world that any country who targets America or American interests will have the option of choosing their fate from the following items:
Option #1 – We will airlift 250,000 bikini clad American women, along with their preferred photographers, and have them storm Iraq. Escorted by our military men and women, scantily-clad women will parade the streets until they are clear of terrorists. For those terrorists that are offended, they will be too busy shielding their eyes to shoot their guns. For those who do look, we will give them the option of having them get their photo with a model of their choice in exchange for any and all weapons they may have or know where are stockpiled. If, for whatever reason, they start shooting at these almost ‘nekkid’ women; outraged men from all over the world will join our ranks to protect those participating in OPERATION SCHWING. Let’s see how quickly the ALLY list grows on this one!
Option #2 – While I am not a big fan of corporations, I think that we could get some good payback AND help our economy with this next choice. We could airlift representatives from McDonald’s, Wal*Mart, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Rent-A-Center, Burger King, Citibank, Chase, and have them establish their companies in the terrorist stricken countries.
If we are going to pour ungodly amounts of money into a foreign economy, we might as well set ourselves up to get paid back. We could ship televisions, microwaves, blenders, toasters, home computers, and all sorts of other appliances that feed that instant gratification thing. Have local radio stations show lots of Jerry Springer reruns. Build a few BlockBuster Videos, stock it with lots of old, trashy B-movies, and throw in some free popcorn. I am thinking that the conversion to apathetic, disinterested citizenry should only take a few months. It shouldn’t be all that long before every front porch has a NASCAR flag and a beat-up couch on it. I like to call this OPERATION LOW BROW
Option #3 – Airlift 250,000 toddlers and their diaper bags onto the country in question, make it just after lunch but BEFORE naptime, and you will have the terrorists surrendering before DINNER TIME. The toddler will be getting into everything, and they won’t get anything done….except maybe during naptime. We could really speed things up by giving the kids candy and sugar cereal before they land there….or better yet, have all the kids have different naptimes before they get there. Those crazy terrorists will be too busy trying to get those kids into a ‘routine’ that they won’t know what him ‘em. When the kids get back, have the government pay for their college education in exchange for their service to their country. OPERATION WHY? WHY? WHY?