The Angel Boris Theory

I really like Sci-Fi, but to be honest; you have to wade through a lot of bad stuff before you find the fantastic stuff. For example, I like to watch the Sci-Fi channel, but would not agree that everything on there is worth watching. I think Sci-Fi is like comedy improvisation (i.e. What’s My Line – with Drew Carey – or even Robin Williams stuff); it is either hysterical or its not. Sci-Fi is either fantastic or stinks like a diaper pail on a warm day.

Luckily, I think each film genre has built-in indicators that tell you the quality of the film. Just like those pop-up plastic things that come with turkeys that signal when the bird is done cooking, you have to look for certain things in films. While lame plots or storylines can kill any interest, it’s usually the actors in a film that really push the film in a bad direction.

Personally, I look for the following cast members on a film to let me know that the film is probably a waste

-Barbara Hershey
-Adrianne Barbeau
-Any Carradine brother
-Kirk Cameron/Alan Thicke/Tracy Gold/Joan
-Corey Haim/Corey Feldman/anyone named Corey
-Maria Conchita Alonzo
-William Shatner
-Stacey Keach

The only exception would be any film reviewed by Joe Bob Briggs. Those drive-in-esque films are SUPPOSED to be cheesy. These titles usually let you know right from the bat that the Oscar level of talent is not likely to be challenged (or reached, for that matter). “Assault Of The Killer Bimbos” and “Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity” are designed specifically to give employment options to ex-Playboy Playmates and those waiting tables at restaurants.These films are so bad that they are entertaining..to some extent,at least…. The next notch down, which typically feature no recognizable people in the cast, for Sci-Fi films usually follow the “Natasha Kinski Theory.” The theory (which I came up with) states that if you are unable to convey anything while attempting to act in front of a camera, remove your clothes.

Like I said, you have to wade through a lot of low budget films to get to the good stuff. It’s not that I have a problem with nudity. However, when I am in the mood to see a film; I want to see a film….plot, character development, the whole shebang.
Anyway, I have since updated my original theory (created in the 1980s). The updated version of this syndrome, I believe, is the “Angel Boris Theory.”


Angel Boris, featured in the Angel Boris Theory

I had recently saw a film called “Dragonstorm.” Basically, dragon eggs hurdled down from space during what appears to be the Middle Ages. These eggs hatch, and the dragons start destroying towns nearby. A brave and noble force is assembled to battle the dragons, but what turns out to be a potentially good story gets clogged with Velveeta-level acting. The acting is so bad that the “suspension of disbelief” in this film applies to the viewers thoughts about how these actors and actresses find employment. Angel Boris’s character was able to help defeat the dragons by not only helping aim a catapult-like device, but also be leisurely bathe herself in front of the camera for several minutes at a time. For some reason, I could only think of two reasons why she got the job.

I would recommend many other Sci-Fi film classics, if only just to give you an appreciate how far we have come with film technology. Lon Chaney Jr. & Bela Lugosi films that feature werewolves, mummies, vampires, or Frankenstein are a must see. I would also put any early Godzilla/Mothra/MechaGodzilla film in this category, too. We have come a long way from being able to see the strings from a Godzilla model swinging back-and-forth over a scale model of Tokyo. I would also recommend H.G. Well’s-based film “Time Machine.” ….maybe even “20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.” There are many others, but these are just a few I can think of now.

Oh, I would recommend the movie “Chronicles of Narnia,” too.

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7 responses to “The Angel Boris Theory

  1. I really don’t think I can sneak this dragon-egg-bathing-beauty movie onto my netflix list. My wife is too crafty for that.

  2. It’s not even a major amount of nudity in Dragonstorm or whatever it’s called. I’d say maybe about 2 or 3 minutes of some partial nudity, if that. The nude scene takes place about 1/2 through the film. Considering how slow the film moves at that point, I think they threw that in as a reward for actually watching it to that point.

    No one else gets naked as far as I can remember, and nothing else happens.

    I am not officially recommending the movie. It is the kind of movie that you can flip channels around to see what else is on, and not really miss that much of the story.

  3. Dear Sir, “The Angel Boris Theory” might be a valid one, (When all else fails in any movie, you always have the director yelling ‘Take off your Top!”) but you have to keep in mind that Ms. Boris is a SUPER B-movie actress, that is, if you want to make a CGI special effects driven movie on the Scifi Channel full of action, fighting and sex appeal and lots of energy and fast pacing, she IS superb in that venue. This is not a bad thing; it’s just a movie speculty-niche, and some actresses or actors really ARE quite talented in that specific niche. It’s a B-movie, a pure fantasy trip, enjoy the ride!

  4. I am not sure I was aware of any talent stratification of B-Movie actors/actresses. I am a big fan of science-fiction, including a solid appreciation for Saturday afternoon matinees of low-budget kungfu films, Godzilla films, Three Stooges, and low budget horror films.

    As an adult, I have – on occassion – taken in a film that Joe Bob Briggs has reviewed, too. Assault Of the Killer Bimbos, Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity, and Cannibal Women Of The Avocado Jungle are only naming a few. I also remember early cable television films which paraded a bunch of low end sci-fi films. Yet, I thought of the actors and actresses in these films were not taken seriously in Hollywood. Their presense in a film was like that of a expectation barometer. Adrianne Barbeau, Barbara Hershey (The Entity), Natashja Kinski, and their male counterparts were all just signs that you shouldn’t have high expectations for the films.

    I didn’t know about Angel Boris until I saw this film. She is very attractive, no doubt, but having to wade through two hours of seriously poor acting for 45 seconds of partial nudity is lame. It reminds me of those Emmanuelle films on cable. They were racy, suggestive, and packed full of flirting and innuendo. They didn’t even bother with plot. This doesn’t even get into the Hollywood Hottubs and all those other jiggle movies that saturated late night cable.

    I would agree that it is a specialty niche. Much like cult films, what might not be a widely accepted film in its popularity; it might get a second breath of life with a specific demograph of movie fans. Rocky Horror Picture Show’s popularity completely escapes me, although that has a limited but solid fan base. I will, perhaps, take another look at such films with a new eye.

    Thanks for the insight!

  5. Pingback: I believe I am having a Kristanna Loken moment « Blather - Rinse - Repeat

  6. one of the most beautiful B-girls in the world, Jennie Agatur[sic?] did a full frontal in the hit movie LOGAN’S RUN, but you have to look fast. She then appeared in A TEENAGE WEREWOLF IN LONDON

  7. All I know is that Angel Boris is amazing !!! Check out my totally WANK-A-LICIOUS pic gallery of her at:

    http://gurlz-to-wank-by.blogspot.com/2007/10/angel-boris-new.html

    Enjoy :O)

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