Spam: E-mail’s evil cousin

I can appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit that drives the economy. I am all for supporting people in the free market. However, I also like to be left alone sometimes, too. I don’t have to answer my phone or the door, but spam, somehow, violates that.

Being a network administrator, one of my responsibilities is cleaning the spam filter at work. This glamorous job involved going through about 400 pieces of spam a day. If I skip a day or two, the time I have to take, minimumly, doubles. This daily spam amount has grown noticeably since last spring, where the average was about 300 spam a day. This is a good chunk of the e-mail that goes through our entire agency. Every day I do this, I have several thoughts.

First of all, how many mortgages does the world actually need? You’d think with the volume of spam on refinancing that practically everyone with the ability to walk is a potential customer. Do they now extend this refinancing to those with clubhouses and those plastic houses? If that isn’t mind-expanding enough, what about all the erectile dysfunction meds? Is there that much of a woody shortage that drugs like Cialis and Viagra need to be electronically air-lifted into our e-mailboxes each day? Like some bizarre version of a charity, someone has decided to make sure that everyone on the planet is stiff and saves money on their home loans.

What can we do to get back at these often anonymous spammers? Unfortunately, not much. They are playing the numbers. If they can send out 1 million e-mails, and only a small percentage respond; they still make money to make it work for them. Can’t we enforce similar laws that prevent unwanted phone calls or junk mail for this kind of stuff? Our government, of course, is more interested in things like voting themselves pay-raises or, better yet, trying to legislate the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball.

I think we need to rally the Internet villagers and storm spammers in person. Justice being served, in this case, would be very simple. Those spammers with refinancing e-mails should be forced to refinance their homes everyday. Have them fill out paperwork, sign forms, make downpayments, and waste their days in waiting rooms as payback. Erectile dysfunction drugpushers should be forced to take these same meds daily. Their payback is that they should be strapped into chairs in front of a television set by themselves. You can guess what kind of television fare that I think they should be subjected to….and that will be their payback.

-sj

p.s. I would have to think of a payback for those print cartridge spammer dudes.

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2 responses to “Spam: E-mail’s evil cousin

  1. I can’t believe how much spam mail I get trying to get me to enlarge my penis.
    And don’t forget the on-line degree spam.
    The cartridge spammers should be covered in ink and feathered.

  2. How could I have possibly forgotten those e-mails? What better source of sexual information than having anonymous people sell me pills, pumps, patches, weights & pulleys, and herbal remedies via e-mail?

    Who are these people and why do they care about my sex life? I don’t care about theirs!

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