Nation’s levels of music samples now at critical levels

           In the face of the global warming crisis, our nation faces yet another shortage that threatens our existence. A recent government study about to be released will show national levels of music sampling and pre-recorded dance beats have dropped to critical levels. Some music artists are expressing concerns about their future ability to ‘rock da house.’

(this Casio keyboard was unavailable for comment)

           Scientists have been monitoring these levels since the 1970s, when a good portion of these music samples were taken from. While not an renewable source of popularity, the supply had been ample until the demand that artists like P. Diddy, Dr. Dre, and Public Enemy tapped into them. Pre-recorded dance beats, as featured in $20 Casio keyboards used in Elementary Schools nationwide, have only recently seen their reserves drop with the growing popularity of the band Black Eyed Peas.

A visibly shaken Fergie

                  When P. Diddy, or whatever his name is at the moment, was asked for his thoughts about the issue; one of the members of his extensive entourage explained that whats-his-face’s career could come to a crashing halt if everyone else stops making music. He also explained that he has no idea how the unregistered gun appeared in the SUV when they were pulled over several years ago.

                      Fergie, of Black Eyed Peas, said that she might have to teach her “lovely lady lumps” to actually learn how to play a instrument if the pre-recorded dance beat drought continues. She’s not sure how “Fergie-licious” their music would be if they exclusively had to fall back on their trite lyrics by themselves.

               Dr. Dre offered some words, but they had to be edited out because of their adult content. Flava Flav was also available for comment,too. However, no one is really sure what he actually said. We’re pretty sure he expressed concern, boyyyeeeeeeeee.


                      Scientists did suggest sampling conservation, but doubted such damaging effects done could be easily reversed. It could be several decades before today’s current sampling artists have faded sufficiently from the collective memories. Until then, they suggested listening to bands that actually played their own music OR used studio musicians and not just sound engineers.


2 responses to “Nation’s levels of music samples now at critical levels

  1. All of the cover songs coming out lately prove we’re at a shortage. What will be the next big craze? At this rate my daughter will soon be blasting some swinging 20’s sounds in an effort to be different.

  2. Late 1700s–Republicanism–Founding Fathers get hooked on Plato. Time differential: 2100 years.
    Late 1800s–The Victorian Era–Medievalism and the Pre-Raphaelite movement (Literature and Art, respectively). Time differential: 400-900 years.
    Late 1900s–The Postmodern era of sampling, mixing, scratching, etc. Time differential: 1-90 years.
    Early 2000s–The Post-Postmodern Era. Mashups and Hip Hop lead to the sampling shortage of . . .
    2007–The Phbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt Era. Dominant art form: Feedback, as the differential between the time art is produced and which it is sampled and repackaged is less than 30 Hertz. All art and music are reduced to white noise and a high-pitched whine. Coming to a pod near you.

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