In a desperate attempt to suck the last marrow out of the reality television carcass,Hollywood has teamed up with the Weather Channel to create a new series. The Weather Channel’s negotiations had broke off with the Discovery Channel at the latest news. Plans for WHEN GOOD WEATHER GOES BAD show have been put on-hold, pending the latest developments. The logistics still need to be worked out, but Hollywood has solved the risk of missing any possible weather storm by placing cameras every fifteen feet across the United States. They hope to recoup their costs by selling non-storm footage to America’s Funniest Videos, so they are encouraging all of America to get hit in the groin on-camera when the weather is nice.
Jennifer “J-Lo” Lopez slides deeper into obscurity by releasing her all-Spanish album in the Bronx this week. The former Puff Mommy stood in front of 5 people for her press conference to announce her album. It turns out that 3 people who wandered into the room were actually tourists looking for a restroom. The already uneventful conference did take a darker turn when an MTV official told her that since she’s not cool anymore that they would have to revoke her knickname. She and her press agent were then forced to come up with another moniker. Names under consideration were J-No, Puff Mommy Who, The Booty That Couldn’t and Whats-Her-Face-From-Gigli.
Angelina Jolie, while traveling in the State of Iowa, started adoption proceedings for what turned out to be the Johnson family, local residents of Farley, IA. The stunned family of 5 were shocked when Jolie showed up at their door with local law enforcement asking that they pack up their things to go with Ms. Jolie. Mabel Johnson, mother of three, expressed confusion at the event and wondered if they’d be able to swing by the local Kroger’s supermarket to pick up some things before heading to their new Jolie family home in California. In a tender yet still somewhat staged act of maternal instincts, Ms. Jolie scooped up Mr. Navin Johnson in her arms and covered him with a very large swaddling cloth. Mrs. Johnson’s initial hesitation melting into eagerness, coming to the realization that she’d also be living with Brad Pitt. The Johnson children were unavailable for comment.
History was made when the American Medical Association awarded its first awards to the television industry for its contributions to medicine. Both the Ghost Whisperer and Stargate SG1 were discovered to have remarkable curing powers when it comes to insomnia. Testing over 5,000,000 television viewers who suffer from the inability to fall or stay asleep, both shows proved to more effective than heavy sedatives, Ambien, being whacked with large wooden mallets,televised golf as well as those heavily sedated while watching televised golf. It’s effectiveness is now even being considered as an alternative to anesthetic for surgery. Unfortunately, both shows have proven themselves so effective at putting people to sleep that some volunteering for these test have still not woken up since testing began two years ago. Medical researchers hope to scale down the effects of the shows to make them more useful. Recent testing has already begun for surgeries lasting more than 12 hours. Patients before surgery were simply shown pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt fell unconscious long after their extensive surgery was over.