After seeing a movie about zombies (House Of The Dead 2), I now consider myself somewhat of an expert on them. I was considering a career change, but Internet correspondence courses offer little to no information on becoming certified or licensed in zombie management.
First, choosing the right weapon for the job is most important. You should avoid knives, clubs, machetes, or any other weapon that requires close contact with zombies. Your best bets are flamethrowers, explosives or guns. When you go to the gun shop, ask for the weapons they use in the movies that don’t require reloading EVER. Other than that, your weapon choice should be something that causes massive amounts of damage from a distance. In a pinch, you could always play THRILLER by Michael Jackson if you want to see those brain-munching undead bust out their line dancing skills. Not only is that entertainment, it will give you a chance to slip away unnoticed.
Second, if you suspect that you are about to be attacked by zombies; it’s highly recommended that you not take a shower or begin a make-out session. There will always be time for that later.
Third, remember to install zombie alarms in your house and check the batteries in them every time it’s time to adjust your clocks for Daylight Savings Time. It’s also a good idea to practice an evacuation plan with your family to prepare yourself when zombies attack. If all defenses fail, smear yourselves with blood and stagger around yelling “Braaaaaaainnsssss.” Zombies aren’t really that smart and will fall for that. If you can’t find any blood, put a “W” sticker on your car and start voting Republican. You should be o.k. because zombies don’t ask a lot of questions.
Finally, avoid places where zombies might gather. Cemetaries, crypts, mausoleums, B-movies, RNC conventions, gameshow studio audiences, and corporate meetings.
After reading this, you are now a certified zombie technician. You may now charge as much as $100 a hour for zombie-related activities.