Rev. Pat Robertson, President of the 700 Club, has admitted that he knows everything there is to know. Featured on the cover of this month’s POMPOUS IDIOT magazine, Pat offers his unsolicited advice on such topics as dating, marriage, things that are orange, international diplomacy, paperclips, getting out those stubborn stains, golf, belly dancing, particle physics and those kids in his yard. Pat also plans on talking about his latest book about his bizarre love-triangle relationship with Terry Meuwwsen and Hugo Chavez. Rev. Robertson will appear on the Barbara Walters show in which Pat will do nothing except babble for 2 hours.
In other news, religious zealots have recently negotiated an exclusive E-bay contracts to give their congregations access to special memberships to those wishing to auction off items that feature the face of Christ or exhibit some holy traits. Everything from cheese sandwiches to Cabbage Patch dolls that bleed from the eyes; this landmark deal is resonating though the Internet community. It is also rumored that Lowes, the national chain of hardware stores, is offering nutjobs discounts on materials to build protest signage. Greyhound Bus Corporate may be starting reduced rates to destinations to places like Fostoria, Ohio where the visage of Christ appeared on a rusty silo in 1986. The remaining 99% of Christians whose beliefs do not include culinary visions of the Son Of God will continue their participation in the economy like everyone else. However,that didn’t stop Jimmy Swaggart from trying to negotiate lower rates with Super 8 Motels, Kodak, and Debra Murphree.
In other nutjob-related news, Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas is attempting to soften its image by protesting other events. In an obvious attempt to garner public support of ANY kind, Westboro Baptists are now protesting long lines in banks, people who violate the 15 items or less in supermarkets, and late fees with video rentals. Church leader Fred Phelps has even gone so far to encourage his congregation to travel to every corner of the United States to offer apologies and backrubs to anyone who will listen to them. This faux reporter caught up with Fred Phelps as he was travelling to Washington, D.C. to repeal legislation that could hurt the Westboro Baptist Church. Last January, Congress passed the VIOLENT WEDGIE ACT OF 2007 which would allow any American to legally pull the underwear up to the shoulder blades of any member of the Westboro Baptist Church with impunity. The original legislation that would have allowed them to be shipped to Gitmo after the wedgie and offer them less rights than terrorists was defeated in a last minute move by Sen. Nancy Pelosi. Ms. Pelosi was not available for comment because she is now touring the entire Middle East for finish the meddling that Sean Penn was not able to complete. If anyone is going to get to the bottom of the spiritual and political quagmire that has lasted for millenia in the Middle East, it will be those two.