5 Easy Step To Finding A Religion

1) The key to finding the right religion is finding the right God. Luckily, it’s not a matter of inventing a God because the divine essense exists in many forms. However, you should probably pick a self-confident God whose P.R. campaign doesn’t include grilled cheese sandwiches on E-bay. Gods that tacitly prove their existence with mountain ranges and sunset are your best bet.

2) Don’t worry about who has the most documentation or that has been around the longest. Religions that have little to no documentation aren’t necessarily invalid. History shows that if you ostracize,torture and kill those who practice non-mainstream faiths; subsquently, those religions tend to have less future adherents.

3) Avoid religions that have too much ‘middle management.’ There’s nothing wrong with having structure, or even a hierarchy. However, some middle management styles involve interceding on issues well outside their control. As a rule, people wearing expensive suits with bad comb-overs tend to have their own agendas. Gods, as a whole, have a tendency to be omniscient and omnipotent, so if they have to get a message to you; they shouldn’t have much of a problem doing so directly.

4) Rituals can provide meaning in any religion, as well as strengthen faith. Supplementing those rituals with nice outfits and ritual tools is a nice touch. However, these rituals should  have meaning to you personally. Here’s a little spiritual tip. When practicing transubstantiation, don’t worry about counting calories. Live a little.

5) Choose a religion with a healthy ‘big picture’ focus. Providing food and clothing to the homeless is fine. Working to become a better person is good too. Examples of not-so-good ideas include supporting the marriages of 14 year olds to perverted old men, pointing full automatic weapons at Federal agents or flying your congregation to Guyana to separate them from family members. 

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