Back By Popular Demand: Genuine Fake News

     In political news, George W. Bush has been slowly changing members in his administration. In the face of waning support, the President is grasping to find anyone who believes in what he’s doing. He has fired most of his cabinet members and replaced them with life-size cardboard replicas. Other than some confusion between Condi Rice and her cut-out,  it’s still “business as usual” in Washington. Latest reports also include George Bush firing Tony Snow and replacing him with a Magic 8 ball.  Journalists across the board sigh in collective relief at getting less circular answers to their hard-hitting questions. An informal poll shows that 64% Americans are more likely to believe the 8 ball over Tony Snow.

    In other news, the growing pigeon population has been a major concern in large cities. It’s seems that a mutually agreeable solution has been reached to control the nuisance. Bird food that contains birth control even had the P.E.T.A. organization in agreement with this solution. The only voice of opposition has been Pat Robertson, leader of the Christian organization 700 Club. Pat Robertson expressed concern for managing pigeon populations with artificial means. His greatest concern is that pigeons would only become more promiscuous.

         The Center For Disease Control in Atlanta, GA has seen a recent appearance of an ailment long since thought to have disappeared. Hospitals all over the United States have reported hundreds of cases of “boogie fever.” The last reported cases were in the late 1970s. Symptoms include tight polyester pants, high-pitched voices and a whole lotta fingerpointing.  Doctors and health care providers haven’t seen so many people “gettin’ down” in decades and worry about being unprepared if everyone were to “freak out” all at once. Insurance companies have already responded by declaring those born before 1960 and having “boogie fever” as a pre-existing condition and have denied many claims.

         Abstinence-only sex education programs are under increased fire as recent study findings show them as having no effect on reducing teen pregnancy. Mathematica Policy Research Inc. conducted a government-funded study that costs $176 million a year to report “no evidence in reduction.”  Luckily, George W. Bush’s version of science includes more wiggle room that allows opinion to weigh in like facts. He adamantly defends abstinence programs as being successful. Pointing to his own administration as proof, he said that he and his staff have effectively abstained from tell the truth since first taking office nearly 8 years ago.

      Video Game violence is back in the news. The latest game released by Reckless Studios, called DISEMBOWELMENT, has been flying off the shelves. Even though it has an ADULT ONLY rating, the sales numbers have been through the roof. Government officials, teachers, parents, administrators are confused how even limiting distribution to a handful of independent chains can sell record numbers.

        The company is not a stranger to controversy. Last year’s big hit from Reckless was “WATERBOARDING” which featured an animated version of Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzales angrily shouting at prisoners choking on water poured over their cloth-covered mouths.   Protests went on for weeks and outrage filled nearly every American. However, George W. Bush who admitted to never having seen the game said it sounded like a lot of fun because they sounded like something you do at the beach. Bush also consulted his Magic 8 ball which also supported the controversial game.


One response to “Back By Popular Demand: Genuine Fake News

  1. It’s a good thing you mentioned that this news is fake, because otherwise I would have thought I was reading something straight from CNN.

    (Doctors and health care providers haven’t seen so many people “gettin’ down” in decades and worry about being unprepared if everyone were to “freak out” all at once.
    You are hilarious!)

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