10 people I’d like to have coffee with

10) Steve Martin – Author, Comedian, Actor – His book Cruel Shoes will be talked about for year.

9)  Martin Gore – member of Depeche Mode, wrote most of the music for them

8 ) Adriana Lima – supermodel and keeper of the feijoada

7) Kate Beckinsale – actress with a remarkable ability to battle vampires and lycanthropes

6) Billy Joel – musician who writes good schtuff. When describing Christina Aguilera, was quoted to have said “pick a note and sit on it.”

5) Ludwig Van Beethoven – classical musician. The dude wrote Moonlight Sonata. ‘Nuff said.

4) The person who invented coffee

3) Maybe Kari Byron…..maybe not

2) The guy who invented ironing

1) The guy who invented necktie

   We would all consume a relaxing cup of coffee or two, then proceed to beat the guys who invented neckties and ironing to unconsciousness. We would then resume coffee drinking and light conversation.

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Three names that are fun to say in a bad French accent

1) Genevieve Bujold

2) Rene Auberjonois

3) Gerard Depardieu

Observations of a 4 year old birthday party

    My daughter celebrated her 4 years on the planet. During all the festivities, I made note of several little events I felt compelled to comment on here.

    I think one of the most annoying things I have experienced, even before becoming a parent, is watching other parents leave their children to fend for themselves at public functions. As soon as they arrive, the parent and child go their separate ways. I am not sure if this is a misinterpretation of “it takes a village” or what. Having been a camp counselor, I instantly feel I have to keep a watchful eye on the child. I find it hardly coincidental that the parent capable of this is oftentimes paired with what we in the childcare field referred to as “demon spawn.”  While most children have a natural appeal, these beings evoke no calming emotion. Luckily, the party only lasted 2 hours. I did quietly smile to myself watching these kids putting away soda in college beer bong proportions.  It’s almost like karma in disaccharide form.

     Other than that, I reaffirm my hatred of Bratz toys. The good news is that the toy gods were smiling upon us because there was only one this time. I find it really hard to celebrate inner-city attitude venerated as if it were culture. Bling is merely the substitution for the phrase “fascinated by shiny objects.” Even the frickin’ name emphasizes illiteracy…..

A beginners guide to coffee drinking

   After spending the weekend in Lancaster, PA while vacationing with extended family, I was reminiscing about one of the activities: drinking coffee.

    We were talking about the best flavors of coffee, brewing techniques and the equipment we used at home. Humans, like any living creature, are ones of habit. Coffee is no exception. For some reason, I feel compelled to share my meager if not useless knowledge with the novice coffee drinker.

     First, the source of the coffee is very important. If you don’t brew your own coffee, you have to be selective where you purchase it. Almost every gas station on the planet has something that does involve coffee beans and a brewing process. However, that liquid should only be consumed under controlled conditions.  Those conditions would include dissolving your stomach, participating in a bet or when the Slurpee machine is broken. Truck Stop coffee tends to be good.  McDonald’s coffee is functional, but fast food restaurants in general are risky coffee stops. They are risky because those pots tend to get made by people who don’t drink coffee.  Dunkin Donuts offers some pretty good brewage, as was Starbucks. Having worked at Denny’s Restaurants, I can vouch for that stuff as being good too. A note to the handful of readers who made it this far: a good cup of coffee is still an accomplishment. You should simply stay clear of the bad stuff.

      Next, the stuff you add can make a difference. The first category is dairy. The most important thing to remember is not to use anything less than whole milk. Half-n-half creamer is the best. The sweetness of the cream rounds out the flavor of the coffee. The trick is to use a creamer that actually had something to do with a cow. Powders or imitation milk things are not only evil, they completely obscure the natural flavor of the coffee. Besides, flavoring your coffee with flavoring found only in the creamer could get you beaten in most coffee shops. The sugar category allows for much more lattitude with consumption. However, artificial sweetners do not capture the disaccharidic pleasure of sucrose. Aspartame/NutraSweet, with heat & age, can breakdown into formadehyde (the carcinogenic liquid once used to preserve dead animal specimens). I would also stick with regular sugar as we have a clearer view of what the side effects are.

       The container in which to consume coffee is also somewhat important. Ceramic or insulated mugs are very good, but you still need to be careful. If you have an annoying picture or quotation on the side, the beating rule could take effect. On the other hand, you have almost guaranteed that your mug won’t get taken where you work. Styrofoam cups are good for travel. Unfortunately, they still tend to be dangerous. They may not feature stupid pictures or slogans, but some people still manage to dump them on their laps while driving. A good rule of thumb is to not put anything on your lap while driving. Just ask Hugh Grant.

      Finally, caffeine has been proven to not be too bad. Studies show that your alertness increases 15 minutes after consumption…and energy levels up to 4 to 5 hours. It also shows temporary boosts in memory. Coffee also has some anti-oxidant capabilities. Other positive things coffee can do for you is to give you the ability to put dark rings on notebooks, newspapers and important reports that you are expected to hand in to your boss. It gives you something to talk about with coworker with, as well as a solid reason to use the bathroom excessively. It has remarkable power to stain your teeth and give you really bad breath. It’s also really good with pie.

A post of mine is referenced on Wikipedia!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_debates_over_the_Harry_Potter_series

    Hey! I have recently discovered that one of my older posts about Harry Potter is referenced on Wikipedia. Check out reference #61 at the bottom!! Woot Woot!

    I am reminded of the scene from the movie, The Jerk, when Navin Johnson (Steve Martin) got excited when he found his name in the phone book…….O.k., maybe I am not THAT excited about the mention in Wikipedia.

Hey, Dad’s cool again!!!

  All it took was remembering all the Star Wars movies.

       Playstation 2 has a game called Star Wars. It consists of the characters and story line of the original films, except they are all Lego-shaped. The game is kind of cool, actually. I don’t really play it, but my kids like to.

       Anyway, the cast of characters is pretty long. I constantly get asked who’s name is what & which movie were they in. Seeing as I was there the first time, and have seen all the movies with them. I can be the fount of knowledge, even if the only thing flowing out of it is the ability to tell Power Droid from a Bespin Guard.

    Woot Woot!

The next generation of Dead Milkmen fans has arrived!

   While playing my 12 String Yamaha acoustic guitar, I recklessly careened through a bunch of songs from the 1980s. I pulled “Punk Rock Girl” and “Big Lizard In My Backyard” out of my memory.  Ihad to make it the clean version as my children are all under 10, but it went over very well.  They had formed what was the embryonic stage of a mosh pit. My sons and daughters were “whoopin’ it up.”

    Afterwards, I was hit with “Hey, Dad. What was that song you were playing?”

    I am thinking tomorrow’s music lesson may include The Cramps.